Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Low Self Esteem from Childhood Mental Abuse
Mental Illness goes hand in hand with having low self esteem. It is a circle that feeds itself.
The inability to do some of the basic things that other people can do, has an effect on our our self esteem. On the flip side, the low self esteem creates more depression and interferes with the chemistry in the brain.
Self esteem is “an overall emotional judgement evaluation of his or her self worth.” Wikidpedia
“It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward the self. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs (for example, “I am competent,” “I am worthy”)…” Wikipedia
“… self-esteem is “the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness… the sum of self-confidence (a feeling of personal capacity) and self-respect (a feeling of personal worth).” Nathaniel Branden 1969
Dr, Brandon, author of many self esteem books, talks about a person’s belief about their own ability to face challenges. If a person is fully confident in their own ability to deal with challenges , then they have high self esteem.
When we doubt our own ability to effectively tackle the daily challenges of life, we have low self esteem. Depression can be made worse by the fear that we cannot function effectively.
Many people have come from families that want their children to be competent and have the ability to support themselves as adults. The children are encouraged to do well and succeed in school and other activities. The children were rewarded for trying hard, following through and doing well. Thus they developed a pattern of success and feeling good about success.
Some people had dysfunctional childhoods. They did not have a supportive encouragement that built their self esteem. Yjeu were not prepared for dealing with the challenges of life.
Not only was not rewarded for succeeding, we were undermined. I lived with an alcoholic mother who would wake me up on school nights and interfere with my sleep. In addition to that, even though she had money, she did not keep enough food in the house that I knew how to prepare myself.
She would go out drinking after work and not come home until late at night. Many days I did not have enough to eat to be able to concentrate well in school.
In my perception, it was more of a priority for me to take care of her, than to take care of myself and my schoolwork. I had to take over the childcare and chores that she would not do. As far as helping me with homework or praising me for good grades, that was non-existent.
I have observed that many people with mental illness had parents that were mentally abusive. The constant criticism and lack of respect interfered with the normal development of self esteem.
“Brandon further believed ,”It (self esteem) exists as a consequence of the implicit judgment that every person has of their ability to face life’s challenges, to understand and solve problems, and their right to achieve happiness, and be given respect.[7]” Wikipedia
Brandon mentions the “right” to happiness. People that grew up in abusive homes, were taught that they had no right to happiness. The only person that had rights was the abuser.
According to this model by Brandon, a person with high self esteem, feels that he or she deserves to be respected.
A person must have experienced “being respected”, in order to feel that they “should be” respected by others or even themselves. When children grow up in an atmosphere of disrespect , they have trouble as an adult having the feeling that anyone will respect them.
The feeling of not deserving respect is a condition of low self esteem.
A constant feeling that people will not respect you , will not like you, and will not value your input, can turn into mental illness. The brain chemistry is configured during childhood to have low self esteem, which causes thinking patterns that are not the same as mentally healthy people.
The brain can be rewired as an adult. We do have the capacity to develop self esteem that we were not accustomed to as children and teenagers. In order to do this, we have to somehow override the programming already set up in our brains, The neurons in our brains are re-trainable to wire differently.
It can take years to fix this problem. First we have to identify that we have a self esteem problem. Then we have to recognize that it goes back to our childhood or perhaps to an abusive adult relationship.
After that we have to decide that we are worthy of feeling good about ourselves and it is just incorrect programming of our minds that has been there for a long time. To overcome the emotional and mental injury of abuse, we need to be proactive for ourselves.
I have been doing some research about re-wiring the brain through some holistic methods. I will post some ideas in upcoming blog posts, For now, just know that you are special and unique. You are worth the focused intention from yourself that is required to become more stable and to feel better about yourself.
All of us who have been through trauma, need some extra help. We all have something to offer to each other in terms of support, encouragement and intelligent ideas for recovery.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Hold My Hand Ten Times
Hold my hand one time
My companion and my listener
Hold my hand two times
My consoler and my validator
Hold my hand three times
My shelter from the storm
Hold my hand four times
My medicine man and healer
Hold my hand five times
My friend and confidant
Hold my hand six times
My supporter and biggest fan
Hold my hand seven times
My strong and handsome man
Hold my hand eight times
My muse and inspiration
Hold my hand nine times
My hope and adoration
Hold my hand ten times
My lover and my soul mate
The reason I stay up late
Healing Requires Feeling
Healing requires feeling
It is nature's only way
Of disinfecting
the mental wounds
And closing them to stay
It seems too much to bear at first
Sometimes we want to quit
We regress to places past
And fear the future trauma
But healing always means feeling
There is no other path
That really grows our hearts
And makes us strong at last
Depression Hurts
Depression is real.Depression really hurts.
Depression is exhausting.
Depression is scary.
Depression is dangerous.
If you have depression, don't suffer in silence. Find someone you can tell. If the people that are around you every day will not understand then find another way to talk to someone.
Go through this list until you see an option for you.
1. Family member
2. Friend
3. Teacher
4. Primary care Physician
5. Guidance Counselor
6. Neighbor
7. Online friend
8. Facebook Groups (Closed Groups) (search on facebook under the key word " depression". There are closed groups you can go to the page of the group. Then request to join. They will add you and then give you the rules of the group. There is always someone on there to talk to. Face book has both public and closed groups on all kinds of mental illnesses. Some are for specific issues and other are for mental health issues in general.
9. Online Groups for depression, because sometimes you just can't drag yourself out of bed. When it is like that then you probably won't leave the house to get help. Psych Central has groups for most mental illnesses. Some are general and some are for specific disorders.
http://psychcentral.com/resources/Depression/Support_Groups/
If you can't , you can't. Some days it gets to be 4pm and then 6pm and we just cannot even get dresses, nevermind leave the house. It happens. It has happened to me.
10. Wordpress Blog (if you have a wordpress blog you can meet other bloggers who have struggled with depression. Search the tags to read their blogs. Once you read other people's blogs, more and more people will follow you and read your posts. Post under the tag depression and people will connect with you . If this does not work for you, Try one of the other things on this list
11. 12 step groups local
12. local Church ( sometimes they have someone to counsel you, it does not matter what denomination you go to, they should be able to connect you)
13. Helpline
National Suicide Prevention Helpline
Hotline & Helpline Information
24-hour Hotline
National Suicide Prevention Helpline
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
NDMDA Depression Hotline – Support Group
800-826-3632
Suicide Prevention Services Depression Hotline
630-482-9696
Crisis Help Line – For Any Kind of Crisis 800-233-4357
14. Tumblr has Mental-Health-Advice.Usually someone is available to talk to you 24 hours. It may be worth a try. They have a therapist o line that will respond to your posts/ questions in a timely manner Just go to your Tumblr account and look for Mental-Health-Advice, then click follow.
15. Internet information and resources
http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=urgent_crisis_hotline
Red Flags That You are Dating a Narcissist
“You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.”—Malcolm S. Forbes.
One of the red flags to spot a narcissist is when they are only nice to people who they can get something out of. Pay attention to how your dating partner treats other people. If the relationship is new, it may take a little while to begin to make an assessment.
It may seem that they are nice to random people but looking deeper you find that there is something that feel they can get out of the people they are nice to.
If their behavior seems inconsistent then it is time to pay attention. Normal people do not act completely differently from one minute to the next. They do not treat one waitress with sweetness and another with complete rudeness.. Everyone puts on a mask from time to time and may be nice to their boss who they dislike.
It is normal for someone to be nice to a customer who they need to please for work. It is normal for you to be nice to certain people that you do not like, because it is part of your job. But it is not normal to be nice to one person and then be very mean to another person.
A Narcissists might comment that the woman walking down the street "looks like a slut in that dress". Then they are nice to someone else wearing the same exact dress. The second person is a coworker of theirs that is recommending them for a raise to the boss.
All of a sudden you hear him complement the dress to her. When you question him as to why he thought the dress looked slutty on the stranger and not on the coworker, he swears it is not the same dress. It looked nothing the same. The first one was slutty looking.
Why would someone insult the waitress and call her stupid one minute and then turn around and complement your coworker who gossips behind your back? They have some potential to get something out of that coworker. They can use the relationship against you in the future.
Why would anyone you are dating be nice to your sister who always overshadows you or your neighbor lady who flirts with them? It is rude and inappropriate. It puts you in an uncomfortable situation. It lowers your feeling of value and drops your self esteem.
Why can't he just be patient with the waitress who makes a mistake? He criticizes her and makes her feel dumb. Then he tells you that he did it for you.
He wanted you to have a perfect dinner and the dumb waitress has now ruined the date for both of you. You tell him that you did not mind that the waitress had to go back for the other kind of bread.It was not that big of a deal. You tell him that the date is not ruined and you would be happy to go back to having a nice dinner.
He is not satisfied. The waitress ruined his dinner and yours. The date is ruined. Why can't he get good service anywhere. He embarrasses you. You ask him to calm down and that if he cares about the date going well, as he has to do is calm down.
No. There is no going back now. He wanted everything to be perfect for you even if it means embarrassing you in the restaurant. If he actually cared about your feelings then why did he continue the behavior that you told him was bothering you? Why did he decide the date was ruined when you would have been happier to go back to enjoying the date with him?
Examples of people a narcissist would be nice to
1. His mechanic
2. Relatives that might give them money in the future
3. People at work who help them to get ahead
4. Anyone they might want to have sex with them in the future
5. People that can financially benefit them
6. People who can advance their social status
7. People who work with them to manipulate others
8. Customers of their business who they feel will be giving them money
9. Co-workers who can help them get ahead at work
10. Anyone who they want to keep on the back burner for some benefit in the future
11. His barber (if he always fits him in when he calls)
12. His accountant (if he is good)
13. Beautiful women , only of they show some interest in him
14. People they can use against you such as coworkers that you do not get along with or your boss who is nasty to you.
People they will rude, condescending and inappropriate to
1. Waitresses who make mistakes
2. Friends of yours who do not take their side
3. Family of theirs who cannot financially benefit them
4. Family of yours who do not worship him
5. Anyone who has a different opinion and they have no need for them
6. Anyone who points out their faults
7. People that do not do things exactly the way they want them done
8. Their boss that does not worship them
9. Co-workers who do not make efforts to help them get ahead
10. People who like you better
11. You. Once they have you where they want you
12. You. When you have a different opinion from theirs
11. You. When you think you have a problem that is more important than whatever they are doing.
12. You. When you do anything that they feel overshadows them. Such as get a raise or make more money that they are
13. Your children. When they become a nuisance and are not doing anything the narcissist feels is helpful to them
14. Women. When the women are not worshiping them or showing any interest in him
15. Their mother. When their mother does not baby them and treat them like a prince
16. Your sister. When she just wants to hang out with you alone
17, Your children. When you spend time with them without him
18, Anyone who you spend time with without him
19. Anyone who thinks you are more talented, more intelligent, more resilient or better then him at anything
20. Anyone who tries to help you become more independent or get ahead
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